BY JORDAN ROSAS
Some people watch soap operas, others watch influencer content on social media. My girlfriend watches The Bachelor, and recently, Love Island. She starts off just wanting some mindless trash tv to put on in the background after a long day of work. Without fail though, at some point in the season, she’ll get sucked in and have to admit that she can’t stop until she sees the season through to the end.
I watch the Sabres. I like to think that deep down, there’s still that little kid who watched in awe as the whole gray city turned blue and gold like an off colored, second Christmas or an out of season Hockey Halloween during the deep playoff runs. I miss the energy in the arena when the Leafs came to town and the fans were split almost 50/50. I miss the days when Boston or Philadelphia came to town and the tension was so thick you could hear a glove drop. I remember when Buffalo battled Ottawa for more than just the first overall pick.
The truth is though, the Sabres have become my trashy reality tv show. I don’t get into the dating shows, but the Sabres, with plotlines and history dating back to the 70’s, is like a sports themed soap opera. I don’t even care about wins and losses anymore. How can I? Living in Los Angeles, there’s simply no patience for losers. I remember when the local sports radio broadcasted an early season Dodgers game over a Kings elimination playoff game. In Anaheim, just a mere two hour drive away, through the worst traffic in the country, my childhood hero is relegated to backup goaltending duties. How do I defend my once proud hockey franchise in a city where both the Lakers and Dodgers won championships last season?
The Sabres are more than just a bad team. Every franchise has hard times, but the Sabres are really more like a well scripted reality show than a pro sports team. They find new ways to fail in shamelessly over the top fashion. At this point, I live for the drama. Longest losing streak in NHL history? Get it queen! Taylor Hall tripping on a breakaway? Yaaassss, drag him! I’ve become so numb to the inadequacies, I can relate to Taylor Hall taking a clapper to the chiclets just to feel something again.
I’m finding ways to love the chaos coming out of the Sabres’ petty writing room. Sabres fans don’t like the Hutton/Ulmark tandem? Fine, they’re both out now. People want to see Jack Eichel eliminated from the show? Let’s reveal a big injury, or three, to really get people arguing on social media. Don’t like rehiring old coaches? Oh, we’ll widen the search, all right. Let’s cast a random talk show host from the BBC to play the Sabres HC.
The producers manage to land budding star Rasmus Dahlin to play a series lead. He’s won Emmys and Golden Globes, he’s even got an Oscar nomination. For chrisssakes, he’s the best thing to happen to ice since sub-freezing temperatures. He looks like a generational center in his highlight reels, but apparently he’s a defenceman. No worries, the HC is the best defenseman in Sabres history. It’s Al Pacino learning from Marlon Brando on the set of The Godfather. Fast forward a few seasons, and Housley has been written off the show, and Dahlin can barely make it as an extra in the background. Critics are literally pausing the show in the middle of a scene to point out how far behind the play he is. Aging screen legend Alex Ovechkin is almost literally dancing circles around him.
I still remember when the showrunners brought in a Stanley cup winning coach and even he didn’t last more than a few seasons. They poached one of the star actors from The Panthers, a moderately successful show on the rival Carolina network, and gave him a long term deal. Then they cut his lines to give the juicy acting scenes to an overpaid social media personality. I’m all about giving unknown actors a shot, but the Sabres don’t even put the stars’ names in the opening credits.
The guy People Magazine named sexiest man alive a few years ago is brought in for the new season. He grew up not far from the studio and main shooting locations, and we can’t wait to watch his character arc. It’s a downward spiral. A reporter asks him how he’d feel about being written off the show, and it’s the most upbeat we’ve ever seen him.
TMZ releases a clip of the new executive producer complaining about the cast. Soon after, the new director and his assistant can’t make it to set, so that same producer has to eat his words. After producing mostly kids shows, he has to step in to guest direct an episode live, on the air.
Just when I think I have them figured out, there’s a new curveball. They’re going to break the record for longest losing streak in league history. Nah, they’re going to smash it…
Unless… They’ve led most of the game, and haven’t trailed all game?? Is this true love? The perfect couple that all the fans have ‘shipped? No, they find a way to get the game losing goal in the final minutes of the game to keep the streak alive. Now we HAVE to watch the games. Each one inches us closer to history. It’s exciting! Riveting! It’s also a heartbreaking emotional roller coaster. But we’re only halfway through the season. If reality tv has taught us anything, it’s that whatever we think we know now, we don’t have a clue of what’s yet to come. Each time we try to build a foundation on rock bottom, it caves in and we fall even lower.
This isn’t just a bad team, it’s chaotic bad. It’s uncooked chicken soup for the soul. It’s messy, and toxic, and objectively terrible. But if you stop looking at the Sabres franchise as an actual professional sports team trying to win title, and start viewing it as a trashy, hockey themed reality tv show? Man, oh man, is it a fascinating, hot mess of a guilty pleasure to watch unfold.