BY: DANFORD
DESTIN, FL – In a final attempt to bring the Buffalo Sabres out of the NHL’s gutter, HC Ralph Kruger will send his players on a sorority retreat, per inside sources.
“The boys really need to get away and connect at a deep, emotional level,” said the head coach of the worst team in the NHL (again), “ I think opening up and talking about their feelings will really allow them to bond in a way no other NHL team could ever imagine.”
This comes after Kruger boldly claimed that the Sabres were in a “fragile psychological state,” something that a coach has never said about their players in the history of sports, let alone as an excuse for performing miserably on the ice.
The retreat will be led by local sorority Lambda Omega Lamda’s best of the best, Ashleighy and Brittnay.
“OMG! We are, like, SO excited for these handsome football players to be a part of our journey to sisterhood! When we’re through with them, they are totally gonna score ~all~ the baskets!” They proceeded to do a few TikTok dances to cap off their excitement.
The retreat will be held in a spa-resort located in Destin, FL. The players will have small team sessions where they write cute notes to each other, talk about their feelings, and take “hella cute” pics of each other, boasting about their truly life-changing experience.
Buffalo Sabres forward Jeff Skinner was scratched from attending the event.
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*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
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