BY: PATRICK KOSTER AND BRENDAN STUART
It was inevitable.
The KHL has plenty of sponsors all over their uniforms. A plethora of other European leagues have sponsors plastered on theirs, and now, the NHL is taking its first step toward commercializing its uniforms.
The opening of the 2021 NHL season brought new divisions, a new season format, and new team sponsors displayed on players’ helmets.
It won’t be long before sponsors are all over NHL uniforms, but for now, we can bask in the glory (?) that is helmet sponsors. Some sponsor decals look pretty good; almost as if they’ve been there all along. Others just look strange.
Which is why we decided to give the NHL some ideas for next season’s buckets. Our suggestions are not meant to be taken lightly. (We think they’re all brilliant.) The sponsors either fit the team name, or they have some tie to the team’s city.
Relax, Mr. Bettman. We left you with several suggestions for each team, except for those that were just too perfect to have any other option.
So without further ado, here’s our official helmet sponsor revision for each NHL team.
Anaheim Ducks
Duck Tape – The logo is a duck. Duck Tape is incredibly useful, too. Can be used to hold players’ helmets together if they crack.
Disney – Of course, there’s the easy route of going with Disney since Anaheim used to be the Mighty Ducks.
Arizona Coyotes
Warner Bros. – They created Wile E. Coyote! Put him on your helmet! It’ll be great!
Coyote Logistics – A third-party logistics company if Arizona can’t get the rights to Wile E. Coyote.
Boston Bruins
US Forest Service – “Bruin” is just another term for brown bear. Wanna know who is a brown bear? US Forest Service’s Smokey Bear. Put him on your helmet and prevent wildfires.
Samuel Adams – Headquartered in Boston, Sam Adams is the quintessential Bostonian brew. Or at least to outsiders, it seems like it.
Disney- Winnie-the-Pooh called and he wants a spot on Boston’s helmets next year. Is he a bruin? No, but he’s yellow and will complement your jerseys.
Buffalo Sabres
Albion Swords – A sword company from Wisconsin because the name is SABRES. They even make historically-accurate replicas. Pretty neat.
Bison Dip – “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” is a grammatically correct sentence. What we’re trying to say if Buffalo is all about, well… buffaloes. Our baseball team is called the Buffalo Bisons for crying out loud. Why not make a delicious dip -that shares the same name as the animal that sits atop two sabres in the team logo- a sponsor?
Labatt Brewing Company – Labatt USA headquarters is in Buffalo. We literally have silos painted like a six-pack of Blue. It’s a match made in Heaven. (Plus, maybe us fans can get a discount from the $13 Labatts at games. Please?)
Calgary Flames
BIC or Zippo Lighters – They make the things that make flames.
Duraflame – They make the things that help you start flames and keep them.
The Boring Company – Founded by Elon Musk, they sell flamethrowers. Or at least used to. Imagine the giveaways in the Saddledome!
Carolina Hurricanes
The Weather Channel – For obvious reasons.
Chicago Blackhawks
Hawk Creek Wildlife Center – Right in the heart of Patty Kane’s old stomping grounds is a wildlife center that rehabilitates birds and other animals while educating the public. With the help of Chicago, maybe they can add some hawks to their center. They can help start the process of keeping Chicago’s nickname but changing the meaning.
Uno Pizzeria & Grill – The pizzeria responsible for inventing the original deep dish, right in Chicago.
Yeezy – Chi-Town’s own Kanye West owns the clothing line that could revolutionize the game of hockey. Or make it look like a weird sci-fi movie. It could go either way.
Colorado Avalanche
Aspen Snowmass Ski Resort – Avalanches happen on mountains. Aspen has mountains. We’re not saying we want an avalanche to happen there, there’s just a loose connection.
YETI – Bring back the Yeti foot logo and make Yeti foot x YETI collabs, damnit!
Breckenridge Brewery – Cool local brewery that already has some ties to the Avs.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Macy’s – They have blue jackets for sale sometimes.
Dallas Stars
NASA – Stars are in space.
Detroit Red Wings
Red Wing Shoes – You’ll have something that’s almost your logo on your helmets again, and you’ll still get to cash that yungmoney paycheck.
Michigan Department of Motor Vehicles – Screw Ford, GM or any of those car manufacturing companies. Detroit needs somewhere all Red Wings fans can wait in line until their team finishes a rebuild.
Edmonton Oilers
BP – Because oil. Unrelated: BP’s logo looks like LimeWire’s.
Wayne Gretzky Foundation – “The Great One” brought Edmonton four Stanley Cups. Give his foundation some ad space.
Florida Panthers
MGM Studios – Put The Pink Panther on your helmets and have Steve Martin make surprise appearances at games!
Los Angeles Kings
Burger King – Have it your way. The mascot is a king. And have you seen those hideous 90s alternate jerseys LA had? Big Burger King vibes from those.
Minnesota Wild
World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) – Supports the wild while supporting the Wild.
Montreal Canadiens
Royal Canadian Mounted Police – They protect Canada, kinda like how Carey Price protects pucks from going in the net.
Molson Canadian – A Canadian beer brewed by Candians, for Canadians and Canadiens.
Nashville Predators
Disney – Put the Predator from the movie “The Predator” on your helmets.
Guitar Center – Nashville is a city that likes music or something so give them a company that sells instruments or whatever.
New Jersey Devils
Church of Satan – It might be the first time a religious organization sponsors an NHL team. Very fitting, if you ask us.
New York Islanders
Long John Silver’s – Bring back the Fisherman logo and sweaters, and pair it with this fast food chain on the helmet.
New York Rangers
The Texas Rangers baseball team – The New York Rangers were founded in 1926 by Tex Rickard. The Rangers nickname came from the baseball team, a play-on of Tex’s Rangers.
Ottawa Senators
Parliament of Canada – Senators are government officials. Put Justin Trudeau’s face on your dang helmets.
Shopify– eCommerce company based in Ottawa. Makes cents. Uh, we mean sense.
Clocktower Brewpub – Local chain of brewpubs in Ottawa. Serves decent beer. Watched the Sabres beat the Sens there once.
Philadelphia Flyers
American Airlines – Flyers, flying? In ‘Merica. You get the point.
New Balance – Owner of shoe company PF Flyers
Chuck E. Cheese – Give Gritty some friends he can hang with and terrify small children. One or more of the authors of this article may have had a traumatic experience at Chuck E. Cheese, but we’re not saying who.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Igloo Ice – The ice bags with the penguin on ‘em.
Primanti Bros. – Local restaurant with world famous sammiches.
San Jose Sharks
Greg Norman Company – This company makes golf-inspired sportswear and their logo is a shark. Perfect sponsor to supply Sharks players with golf gear when they choke in the playoffs and want to hit the green.
Seattle Kraken
Kraken Rum – What else did you think was going here? Bust out your best Jack Sparrow impressions, Seattle fans.
St. Louis Blues
House of Blues – Live music venue and restaurant chain. The name says it all.
Anheuser-Busch – Big-wig beer conglomerate headquartered in St. Louis.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Tampa Electric – Electricity, lights, lightning. Great work, boys, send it off to the press.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Mrs. Butterworth’s – Popular maple syrup company.
Truly Canadian Tree Service – Ontario-based tree removal and firewood service.
Tim Hortons – Founded in nearby Hamilton, Ontario. Tim Horton played for the Leafs.
Vancouver Canucks
Starkist Tuna – Orcas, like the one depicted in the Canucks logo, feed on tuna. Also, the Starkist mascot kinda looks like a whale.
Vegas Golden Knights
Medieval Times Dinner Theater – C’mon, make it happen!
Washington Capitals
Liberty Mutual – Liberty, freedom, ‘Merica. Sounds like Washington Capitals to us. Plus, maybe we can get Ovi to fight Taylor Lautner in a commercial.
USPS – Support the Postal Service. Plus, the logo is an eagle.
Winnipeg Jets
Air Canada – Jets, flying, same as Philly. Just Canadian.
Royal Canadian Air Force – The logos and name are literally homages to it.
For live updates and breaking news, follow Trainwreck Sports, Crossing Swords or 2 Goalies 1 Mic on Twitter or subscribe to our YouTube channel
The Sports Desk can be reached at editorialtrainwrecksports@gmail.com