BY: DANFORD
BUFFALO, NY – In a shocking turn of events, reporters have learned that Santa gifted Josh Allen with coal this Christmas. In fact, Josh Allen told reporters that this is the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW he has received the naughty material.
This comes after Josh Allen has been recognized as the uncontested bhaddest boy in the NFL. Even the most notable football insiders have backed up these claims, with esteemed analysts such as Kyle Brandt claiming Allen was a “bad mother—.” See for yourself.
“Everyone knows that I, Santa Claus, can see you when you’re sleeping,” said the big-bellied frontman of Christmas, “and I know that Josh Allen has been sleeping inside the heads of all his opponents and haters, rent-free. For that reason, Joshie was added to the Naughty List, and given coal for Christmas.”
However, Josh Allen was not going to be defeated by the King of the North Pole.
“Like the last couple times Santa gave me coal, I immediately went to work and began sculpting what I was given,” said Allen, “I want to make myself and those around me better … so I made Cole.”
Reporters were astounded to learn that the “Cole” Josh Allen referred to was actually Cole Beasley, the all-star slot WR for the Buffalo Bills. This confirmed a years-long conspiracy that Beasley was not human. Conspiracists began questioning Beasley’s genetic make-up after years of burning defenders in the slot.
Now it all makes sense.
Allen had one final statement to make during his press conference: “This message is for Santa. Santa, if you’re listening, go ahead and pencil me in for all future Naughty Lists. I’m gonna be a bad mother—for a while.”
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