*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
The one man who is stopping the Buffalo Bills from winning a Super Bowl – Cigarette Smoking Man. (Credit: Fox)
BUFFALO, NY – In preparation for a Super Bowl appearance this coming year, Josh Allen has officially broken The Buffalo Curse prior to the first game of the season by defeating evil villain, the Smoking Man.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Buffalo is a drinking town with a sports problem – but that is not because of anything Buffalo has done wrong. In 1996, it was revealed on the historically accurate TV show, “The X-Files,” that Buffalo’s woes were not self-induced; on the contrary, a powerful and evil villain known as the Smoking Man had cursed the Buffalo Bills to never win a Super Bowl…as long as he lived.
Enter Josh Allen.
Strolling up to a press conference at Duffs, Allen flashed a thumbs-up and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we got em.”
When asked about the intricacies of the battle between the two strongest known forces on the planet, Allen simply stated that it ended when he ripped off his sweatpants, transforming him into his final form, ‘Josh Allen…in Shorts!’ Blinded by Allen’s tree trunks, the Smoking Man disintegrated on sight, effectively ending the decades-long curse placed on Buffalo.
Per Josh Allen, the Smoking Man’s final words were “Let’s….go….Buffalo…”