*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
BY: DANFORD
LAS VEGAS, NV – Following the unprecedented success of their fun-filled and kid-friendly coverage of the Super Wild Card game between the New Orleans Saints and the Chicago Bears, Nickelodeon has announced the next collaboration they will be bringing to kids around the country – MMA.
“If the kids enjoyed football players crashing into each other, just wait until they see a roundhouse kick to the FACE! K.O BABY!” said the president of Nickelodeon, “we have a great lineup for our special event – the kids are gonna love it!”
Similar to Von Miller’s pre-game clip show of the top sports moments from Spongebob SquarePants, viewers will be greeted with the ‘Top 10 Darkest Themes’ from Cartoon Network’s Courage the Cowardly Dog. This show will obviously be hosted by our favorite depressed donkey, Eeyore, of Winnie the Pooh.
If you thought it couldn’t get any better, just wait – the fight will be commentated by some of your favorite kid-show characters, such as Jade West from Victorious, Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender, and (of course) Crazy Steve from Drake and Josh.
“Zuzu [Zuko] told me that I could serve less time in prison if I commentate this fight,” said the ex-princess of the Fire Nation, “but if this match isn’t to the death, I’ll shoot lightning at whoever looks at me the wrong way! HAHAHA!”
Like virtual slime in the endzone and cute cartoon aesthetics Nickelodeon casted on the players, each punch and kick will show corresponding special effects to that of the Mortal Kombat series.
TV Parental Guidelines have rated this special at TV-G, so kids of all age can learn the wholesome art of kicking ass.
The Sports Desk can be reached at editorialtrainwrecksports@gmail.com
One Response