BREAKING: WNYers to Receive an Extra Stimulus Check as Compensation for Being a Sabres Fan

A sneak-peek at the amount of dough you’ll be rolling in as a delirious Sabres fan. Photo by: Elise Amendola AP

BY: DANFORD

WASHINGTON, DC – The Congress of the United States of ‘Murica passed a new stimulus bill directed at Western New Yorkers this Friday.

Despite the chaos currently rampaging through the legislative branch of the free world, it seems the country was in agreement when it came to Buffalo, NY. A unanimous vote in both chambers of Congress yields money to the pockets of Sabres fans.

Informally known as “The Sad Sports Team Act,” this bill will give every Sabres fan $1 for every game they watched (and suffered through) this season. Additional compensation will be given to delirious fans that thought a) this was their year, b) $TAGE would go to the moon, and/or c) Jack Eichel would be staying in Buffalo.

“We know that these are difficult times for Americans across the country,” said one anonymous Congressperson, “but they are much more difficult for those unfortunate souls who root for the Sabres. I mean, there’s not much to do right now other than watch sports…imagine your team descending into a dumpster fire. Just upsetting.”

The Sabres were not available to make a comment, as they were too busy imploding on themselves.

*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*

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