BY: DANFORD
RICHMOND, ENG – After a whirlwind of coaching changes the likes of which any professional sports league has ever seen, the Buffalo Sabres finally have their guy – Ted Lasso.
This comes after the swift removal of the previous Sabres head coach, Ralph Krueger. Krueger once famously stated that his team performed poorly due to their “fragile psychological state.” Clearly, upper management thought otherwise.
“It was an easy decision for us,” said Terry Pegula, co-owner of the worst team in NHL history, “pulling coaches out of a completely different sport such as football and plopping them onto drama-filled and talent-ridden hockey team may not have worked last time, but who am I to learn from my mistakes? I’ll just blame the other league owners for manipulating me instead of owning up to my failures!”
Ted Lasso, on the other hand, is optimistic about his opportunity to coach a professional sports team back in the States.
“Well golly, I’m just so happy to be back in the U-S of A! You know, those English folks sure did know how to make a good biscuit! Kinda different though…” said the new coach of the Sabres. “But hey! I have a lot of experience working with drama queens, a bottom-of-the-barrel sports team, and owners that seemingly want their team to fail miserably! I think I am the man for the job!”
Ted Lasso’s name on his sweatsuit jacket was misspelled “Led Tasso.”
*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
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