*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
BY: DANFORD
BUFFALO, NY – The CDC issued new safety guidelines this Saturday, specifically for Western New York. At the heart of the statement, the CDC strongly recommended all Sabres fans wear paper bags over their heads when attending games, with a softer recommendation to do so when watching the team online.
This follows the Sabres official elimination from the NHL playoffs for the 10th straight year. Earlier this season, the Sabres lost 18 straight games – a “red flag” that put Buffalo on the CDC’s radar.
“We know that the pandemic is bad or whatever,” said Rochelle Walensky, the incumbent Director of the CDC, “but there are some things more pressing and harmful than COVID-19. That’s why we felt it best to issue further guidance for the Western New York region – we want to keep the people of Buffalo physically AND mentally safe from outside harm.”
In a heart-warming display of sympathy, Director Walensky donned her own paper bag, with the question, “Where’s Kim?” written sloppily on the front.
The full CDC statement is as follows:
“Today, Rochelle P. Walensky MD, MPH, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) declared a LIE (Losing-Induced Epidemic) for the Western New York region. The LIE is extremely infectious amongst all age groups, especially in those who had developed FHS (False Hope Syndrome) in the past five years. Symptoms of the LIE include:
- A sense of hopelessness
- Frantically searching for a scapegoat
- Denial of poor performance
- “Looking on the bright side”
While the LIE is generally a chronic condition, it can still be treated. If you notice someone suffering from the LIE, you can treat them by:
- Reminding them that they “still have the Bills”
- Telling them that “there’s always next year”
- Reminiscing about the “Glory Days”
The LIE for WNY will remain in effect until Fall 2021 – when the Buffalo Bills begin their season. Until then, please follow recommended protocol and wear your paper bags to protect yourself from the LIE.”
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