*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
BY: DANFORD
ORCHARD PARK, NY – A Buffalo Bills fan has pawned off their future first-born in exchange for a Wild Card playoff ticket, sources confirmed Saturday.
The seller, going by the name ‘RumpleBillsFan,’ claims to be “an authorized, 100% legit reseller. Nothing strange going on here MWAHAHA-ahem, go Bills!”
This comes after the Buffalo Bills safely secured at least one home playoff game for the first time since 1996. With a severely limited amount of tickets being sold due to COVID-19, the extremes Buffalo fans are willing to go to has reached its peak.
“It was a small price to pay,” said the Bills fan, “I certainly do not think this is a deal that I will regret making with…wait, what was his name again? I forgot.”
Usually, tickets are resold for some monetary amount – cash, cryptocurrency, hand-spun spools of gold – but ‘RumpleBillsFan’ knew that no monetary value could be placed on the priceless experience of a Bills’ home playoff game.
“Methinks this is but a wonderful little arrangement,” said ‘RumpleBillsFan,’ grinning creepily, “I am a little put off that I don’t get to go to the Bills game, though.”
Reporters tried to gather more information on the legitimacy of the reseller but were unable to do so as he laughingly vanished into the abyss. Everyone present was simply left with a faint whisper gracing past their ears: “Won, not done.”
The Sports Desk can be reached at editorialtrainwrecksports@gmail.com
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