*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
BY: DANFORD
EARTH – Jupiter and Saturn are reportedly ‘hot under the collar’ after hearing that their anticipated “Great Conjunction” will be eclipsed by some bigger, better news on Earth. This news, of course, being the Buffalo Bills have clinched the AFC East division title for the first time in 25 years.
“Y’know, we understand that it’s a big deal,” said a disgruntled Jupiter, the largest planet in the solar system, “we love them Bills too…but after 800 years of careful planning, we really wish they would have waited a little.”
The “Great Conjunction” would usually be a pretty big deal for the sentient species of the rocky planet – it only happens once every 400-800 years. During this time, Jupiter and Saturn will appear close together in the night sky, forming what people are now calling the “Buffalo Star.” The rare astronomical event will happen again on July 6th, 2477.
“We feel a little bad for sure,” said Josh Allen, a perfect human specimen of refined talent, “but we didn’t want to risk the possibility of losing the division – we certainly didn’t want the division title become a ‘once-every-800-years’ ordeal for us.”
Saturn, the planet with the most championship rings, was quite pleased with the news, saying: “I got nothing but love for the Buffalo Bills and Josh Allen. Real talk, we know Allen is the real Giant – Jupiter got nothing on him. The galaxy is cheering y’all on – from my planet to yours – Go Bills.”
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