BY: DANFORD
*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental. *
TAMPA, FL – Tyreek Hill told reporters on Tuesday that he intentionally put up astounding statistics in his latest game so that he could squeak into his fantasy football playoffs.
“I knew what had to be done,” said the Kansas City wideout, “I couldn’t let my opponent, TheRealTyreekHill10, beat me at my own game.” Hill amassed 203 yards and two touchdowns in the first quarter alone, finishing the day strong with 269 yards and three touchdowns.
Playing under the guise ‘Team Taysom,’ Hill knew his fantasy matchup would be tougher than his real opponents, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Listen, guys, I drafted Saquon Barkley with my first pick – my team has been hurting for points since,” claimed Hill. “Going into Sunday night, I needed over 50 points to secure the win against TheRealTyreekHill10. I don’t even know who the guy is. He taunted me through the ESPN app, saying ‘u suck’ and ‘lol @ ur lyfe.’ I just couldn’t stand for that.”
Tyreek told reporters that he had tried to keep his fantasy stats “reasonable” week-to-week but that “desperate times call for desperate measures,” ultimately leading to Tyreek’s field day with the Bucs’ defense.
Hill did not comment on the game itself and the crucial win that followed, making the AFC West the Chiefs’ to lose; however, Hill did have one final remark for his fantasy opponent: “Who sucks now, TheRealTyreekHill10?”
HOW ‘BOUT THOSE CHIEEEEEEEEEEFS?!?!
The Sports Desk can be reached at editorialtrainwrecksports@gmail.com
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