Written by Danford (@danfordian_)
*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
Roy Kent staring in absolute disgust at the ‘little pricks’ asking him questions regarding Josh Allen’s training. (Credit: Apple TV+)
RICHMOND, UK – After Josh Allen’s return to GOAT-ness this past Sunday, Allen revealed how he got back in his groove – intense training with none other than legendary footballer, Roy Kent.
“He was absolute f*cking sh!t in his first two games,” said the beloved English all-star, “anyone with two f*cking brain cells could have made better decisions than that w*nker [Josh Allen] did in the sad excuse of a sport you lads call ‘football.’”
Allen, having underperformed to the standards he set the previous season, knew he needed to get back on track, and fast – hence, the training with Kent.
“I put him through the f*cking works,” said Kent, “I had him listen to Keeley blab about social media, go on an adventure with Coach Beard, and even talk to Jamie Tartt. I would’ve had Josh train with Coach Lasso, but those two f*ckers got along too well.”
Kent stated that after their week-long training session, Allen was “good enough for the f*cking Americans” and sent him back to The States. Kent did not comment on any other specific training practices, as he had told the press to “f*ck off” – but not before leaving one final statement:
“He does look f*cking good in shorts, I’ll give him that.”
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