1. The Homer
This guy loves his team, and drafts as though every pick is a test of his fandom. If his team has a halfway decent QB, this guy is drafting him in round 1. Sure, he’ll struggle that one week when his entire team in on bye, and every other week, but loyalty is worth more than a fantasy league buy-in.
2. The Real Life GM
They don’t know the difference between real life and fantasy. Running backs have short shelf lives, so this player sees them as a waste of a first round pick. Pat Mahomes is going round one, followed by the Rams D/ST, because defense wins championships. They may even draft an actual backup QB to be their QB 2.
3. Yesterday’s Champion
This team is stacked. It’s well balanced and expertly crafted to win it all… Last year. But things change in the NFL, and life comes at you quick. It’s been over a decade since that QB won MVP. That tried and true veteran is another year older, and last year’s UDFA Cinderella story will fall back back into oblivion this year. The over-achieving role-player is now with another team, in a new system, where their usage will be different. Not to mention, there’s a whole new class of rookies that this person seems not to have noticed.
4. Excuses and Empty Pockets
This person treats their commissioner like the IRS. It’s only a $10 buy in, but they’re asking to pay in installments. They promise they’re good for it. Every time you talk to them, they swear they’ll have the money next week. You start getting tired of them skipping paying, and are about ready to give up on it. But then they make the playoffs and want to make sure everyone else paid in case they win.
5. MIA
This dude is nowhere to be found. They’re that one friend who moved across the country that you haven’t seen in years. Maybe they’re someone’s cousin’s coworker’s friend who you’ve never met. Or maybe they’re just forgetful. Either way, once this person joins the league, you’ll never hear from them again. Every year, you say you’re going to kick them out of the league, and every year, you’re one person short without them. They’ll autodraft their team, and never set their lineup. By week 9, half of their starters are out with injuries, and the other half is on bye. Week after week, a bench player continues to produce top 10 numbers at their position. You’d love to fleece them in a trade, but you can’t get ahold of them.
6. The Lurker
The most unproblematic of the bunch. They’re also the most boring. They don’t do much. They’ll participate in the draft, and maybe make a waiver wire claim here or there, but they’re silent on the message boards. They say nothing in the group chat. There’s no trash talking, no social media bragging, not even a creative team name. At least “Team 6” pays their dues on time.
7. The Deep, Deep Sleepers
This person has done their research and then some. Filling a roster with dependable, star players? Where’s the fun in that? This person is all about undrafted rookies, fourth string running backs, and that receiver who put up numbers in preseason garbage time. Maybe one of them will break out, but not all of them.
8. The Clueless Wonder
They have no idea what they’re doing. You told them a fantasy football league would be fun, and they shrugged their shoulders and said “why not?”. They drafted players based on who had a unique name and picked the defense with the coolest logo. You may laugh at their ridiculous picks on draft day, until rookie UDFA MarTrevion Dontrezlemann-O’Lexterarius III out of some tiny D3 program randomly puts up 50 points against you. When you inevitably send them their winnings, they thank you for the gift and ask you what it’s for.
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